A Spoonful of New Tricks

holy freaking cow divine comedy is the bomb we are so cool i cant even bother to use punctuation or proper capitalization we are going to have the best february show and the best song parodies and everybodys mind is going to explode.

Wow. Just got back from a day of shooting for Divine Comedy. And let me tell you, that last shoot at the testing center was unreal. You may be seeing me busting some killer dance moves and/or in the background as some real dancers kill the floor. It was a blast and it just makes me more excited for our next big shoot (Teaser trailer: JFSB Courtyard...200+ sparklers...you can never have enough of the boy who lived.) :)

Side note: I wish I understood people better. And I wish I understood why some people I know are all very surface value, right-here-right-now kind of people. These people perplex me and every time I try to assume something about them, I'm always proven wrong. :/ I wish I had Donnie Pfiefer's skill at reading people. Or Cal Lightman's.



And don't worry, you're still a gemini

A Spoonful of a Crash Course in Love

If I've learned anything from my brother's rapid engagement, it's that I'm not ready for the commitment myself. The immaturity with which I reacted signals to that point.

You see, what my brother needs and needed is love. It's probably the one thing that he has been lacking the most within all his familial relationships. Our family does a good job at saying they love each other and not showing it. I don't mean there is a lack of hugging or other physical forms of affection, but real love. A lack of judging. A lack of criticism. An abundance of warmth, appreciation, and consideration. All these things mean more than the word 'love'. And I'm not convinced my brother has felt that from me or the rest of my family.

I justified my resistance by saying I still loved him, but I just didn't accept his decision. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with that. And I still don't know if there is, but I do know there's something wrong with that if that's what you say and then you withdraw your love from that person.

I'm getting better everyday. I've been trying to show my brother how much I love him everyday while trying to accept his decision too. I'm also learning how to accept the fact that despite everything I've learned through experiences, I'm still pretty rough. Okay, maybe really rough. :)

A Spoonful of Consignment

My brother is getting married. And there's nothing I can do about it. I want him to be happy, I really do. I mean, heck, he's my older brother. I love him with all my heart. I want him to have to experience the least amount of pain or disappointment possible. That's why I'm having a hard time accepting it.

Heh. A really hard time. I've really got nothing against her. She seems nice enough. I just have a hard time believing this "personal revelation" card he's playing because of the situations surrounding it. And personally, knowing my brother, I don't think he's anywhere close to ready to be married. I think that was pretty evident in his Fall semester relationships.

The fact of the matter is, it's not my choice. It was never my choice with my parents getting divorced, my sister eloping, or my dad choosing bitterness instead of peace. It's just hard, you know? Seeing people you love make decisions that bring them pain, especially when they can be avoided. It really hurts your heart.

Maybe my premonitions about this are wrong, but I haven't really been wrong yet.

I am not an ill-willed person. I promise.

A Spoonful of Wishful Thinking

I love this song. Not necessarily because I can relate but because I wish I could relate. The storyline is that of the female singer observing the guy she wishes she could be with. You see, they were friends, but then they kissed and it ruined everything between them but she doesn't know why.

Okay. Maybe I don't wish I could relate. What I do wish is that I could date my best friend and have it work out. For that to happen I would have to have 1) a male best friend, 2) I would have to be interested in him, and 3) he'd have to be interested in me. Bleh.

I'm missing 2 of those 3.

Do you understand why my favorite Jane Austen novel is Emma?

A Spoonful of "C'est comme ça"

I know I've only been to one day of each of my French classes, but I already like them. For one, they're all different, one is focusing on grammar and writing, while one is reading French literature and analyzing it, and then the last one is about the modern French person. I think they won't overlap too much to get old, but will enough to be of benefit to me.

There's something about French professors too. I haven't had a one that I don't like, and this semester is looking to be the same. I think it has to do with the sense of humor they have. You see, they take their job very seriously, while at the same time admitting the French are bizarre. For most questions you have about the French language or culture they can give you an explanation, but frequently they just say, "C'est comme ça," which translates to: "It's just like that."

I think that's a good motto for life. Sometimes there's really no explanation for why life is so great or so sucky. Sometimes you just have to admit you don't have the answers. Sometimes you just have to say, "C'est comme ça," and move on with your life. :)

A Spoonful of Greatness

What makes a person great? I've been pondering this for the last couple days as I've been increasingly aware of how much of a slacker I am. When it comes to schooling, I've never been the best student, even though I would say that I have a pretty good brain, and can be a hard worker. I just am not a great student and sometimes it bugs me. Okay, it really just bugs me when I see one of my older siblings do the same thing better, and make it look like it's not hard.

I'm just going to put this out there, but I think it is hard to be going to school full-time, working part-time, volunteering part-time, and having a social life. The sad thing, is I know people for whom this isn't hard. Or, if it is, don't admit it and act like it's a piece of triple chocolate fudge cake.

When I think of the potential I have, I'm overwhelmed with thanksgiving and a little bit of regret. Why have I not been able to take advantage of my potential? And why was so much potential given to me, of all people? Sometimes I think I would have preferred to have been born with less smarts, that way I'd have less responsibility, but then I think of what I've been able to experience, those moments of pure inspiration or real intellectual stretching and I don't want that at all. I want to know everything, I just don't have the habits to get me there. Bleh. Habits. Habits determine the person, and sadly, they make me only 50% of what I could be.

This can change. I want it to. And heck, it's a new year, right? I want to have self-control like my brother's, just not quite as extreme I guess. If that's even possible. If it is, then I'm going to obtain it, I just have to think of it as a competition. A competition against the world. This is my new years' resolution.

A Spoonful of Suffocation

Sometimes you have to stop and tell yourself to breath, before you start hyperventilating and freaking out. Anxiety attacks have been known to happen on university campuses. I've kind of been at this point several times in the last couple weeks--every time I've enumerated what I have to do and by when. You know what never helps? Telling yourself you can't do it. You're consigning yourself to low quality work, a bad grade, and to regret for the rest of your life.

It's not easy strapping down and getting done things you've procrastinated, but it is possible. And it starts with telling yourself it is. And I know maybe it's trite, but Heavenly Father does help you. Maybe you've put off doing something until the last day, if you're willing to work really hard, he's going to help you get done what you need to. I promise. It's always worked for me. :) I hope everybody's last few days of school and finals go well!